EEL LEONARD’S CLASS PROPHECY
Blaster Al Ackerman
(What Eel Leonard told the graduating class of E.A. Poe Junior High in 1953 and why he gets my vote)
This is Eel Leonard, your Class Prophet...whoever it is keeps sneaking into the school library and drawing those big warty dicks and hairy penises and things on poor Millicent the Elephant, as seen each month in the pages of "Boy's Life Magazine", is going to wind up in the electric chair. It was not long after making this prophecy that I felt a creeping wetness and looking down discovered myself to be "coming". It gave me BIG FLASHBACK to the first time any of you tasted my seed. Then it was time to visit Germany. On the boat going over I found you can walk the tunnels to other buildings. The funny thing about this is how I was about to proclaim it as a prophecy when I realized that "Tosser" Stitt, our Class President, had been going jogging every day in his street shoes. That's why, by the end of the month, he had a knot on his leg the size of a goose egg and a little later the incomparable yellow feelers that thrilled him more than laundry stem and fly the hand. In other words, you and two fried eggs nailed to your arm are not alone! For lo I looked around and saw 2 fried eggs nailed to Rolly Flabbers big taint dream, yes I did, and the way these exist as sentences' erosion of their borders make them flip over into 2 fried eggs nailed to whatever that stuff is you stuff up yr butt whenever you would become a yelling bastard. (Yells real loud.) Just then big mute hat flew off bap! Or should I say I was on the verge of uttering another prophecy, one that said sugar suit and life raft sinking in the mud life--dog pool gleaming by the door a mirror--and at this point I found myself unable to stop chuckling.
That’s why I always say the best part of being Class Prophet is, when you have uttered 100 or so of these weird little prophecies, you feel an embarrassment which is really the repression of rage.
(Special thanks to John M. Bennett for allowing me use of his secret vocabulary).