Portrait of Doris and Mitzi on a Checkout Lane at Whale Foods Supermarket -- Artist's Medium: gauche orange plastic shopping carts.

Carol Novack


2 packages Irish Whiskey-Flavored Hostess Mostess Twinklees

4 conventionally dressed oranges without navels

1 quart conventional orange juice made from real Nicaraguan oranges with navels and Uzis

2 conventional heads Alaskan iceberg lettuce --- no taste guaranteed or money back special

2 conventional big dick sized cucumbers with seeds and hard, bitter skins

1 bottle Joanne Woodward’s Favorite Southern Tea beverage Bourbon flavored

4 lbs farm-raised Chuck from pasteurized cloned cows

Special Rosa Parks issue of Oprah magazine for Women coming with CD, DVD, VCR & anti-avian flu toxin.

1 package Moby Dick white chocolate ice cream bars, free harpoon included

3 giant sized boxes gourmet Oreos with crème de la crème centers

1 Jumbo bag Original Ray Lay’s Pepperoni Pizza Ripple potato chips with Real American farm-raised Cheese under the scrutiny of Whale Foods and Father Patrick Mc Sweeney

1 gallon pasteurized New York State extra creamy milk extracted from Grade A American Cows bred in Vieques.

1 package Whale Foods chocolate donuts, Special without holes.

1 package Big Beautiful & Blessed Bertie O’Malley’s ™ homemade, farm-raised unconventional bagels with real raison d’etres

1 loaf genuine old style Persian camel bread with open sesame seeds.

1 jar pure unadulterated genuine Southern peanut butter on sale (Remembering Jimmy Carter Special)

3 conventional pale tomatoes languishing from pesticides

7 unconventional cry-free onions

1% fat-free goat butter (Special)

12 pack Diet Coke

1 package Sweet n Low

1 package fried pork wing-dings

1 jar Whale Foods Own spicy marinara sauce with real green peppers and onions (on sale).

1 jar Bangor Maine seafood jelly with juicy starfish extracts (on sale).

3 desiccated generically tortured chickens with skins: Special of the Month!

1 pint conventional heavy cream, 20% extra fat included

1 bottle extra-strength TENDER TUMS ™

12 packages Kiddy Poo disposable diapers with melting safety pins


12 pack organic diet cola

3 pints Whale Foods organic Californian carrot sticks

7 cans Tofu-Temptee Organic Treats for Small Dogs™

3 packages organic-enriched tofu for adults, medium soft

2 lbs. organic broccoli rabbis (Pareve), grown under the supervision of Rabbi Nachman

2 packages Newman’s Own Organic Linguine™ on sale, proceeds to go to Llamas in Distress

3 Variety flavored packages Newman’s Own Lingerie for Women for Peace who Love Horses™

3 lbs Grade A imitation grain-fed upper New York State farm-raised salmon fingers

1 pint non-fat, low sodium, milk fed, cow-free organic heavy cream

1 gallon organic soy milk Lite in moderation

2 packages Famous Whale Foods No Endangered Species Flavored Tofu, soft

1 gallon fat-free, sugar-free, taste-free, totally free Newman’s Own organic vanilla ice cream with organic vanilla has beans, 1% of proceeds going to Save the Horse org.

3 lbs organic Mexican mesculin with jumping beans and sprouts

1 package Whale Foods Woodstock Special organic, vegan, gluten-free brown rice

3 organic Tasmanian tomatoes made by three genuine, unexterminated Aborigines

1 bottle authenticated imported organic Sicilian olive oil made from unadulterated virgins

Fall issue The Animal Activist: Special on The Plight of the Fijian Sea-worm

1 package Whale Foods organic oat bran flax seed cereal with organic elderberry bits and other anti-toxins

1 package organic prunes from the moors of Madagascar

1 package fat-free soy butter with real almond pieces

3 cans organic Lebanese lentil soup with the possibility of dung beetle shards

24 cans Whale Foods organic kosher pork and liver tofu cat food

Carol Novack writes to discover what it is she knows and publishes the multi-media e-journal Mad Hatters' Review. A collection of her inventions is slated be published in 2009. Works may or will be found in more than 75 journals, including 5_trope, American Letters & Commentary, Diagram, Exquisite Corpse, Fiction International, Journal of Experimental Fiction, LIT, and Notre Dame Review, and in anthologies, including two European collections, "The Penguin Book of Australian Women Poets," and "Online Writings: The Best of the First Ten Years." She blogs here.