Total Retard (Or How To Run a Successful Home School)

Janey Smith

1. I saw my mom suck my dad’s cock—they were doing sixty-

nine— on my baby blanket. My dad seemed to like it because he was

smiling. My mom seemed to wonder while she was sucking my dad’s

cock why my dad was smiling and not sucking her pussy. My mom

kept sucking his cock. My dad kept smiling. I kind of wondered when

I’d get my blanket back.

2. I saw my sister fuck my grandfather (mom’s side) on a spotted

horse in the field. Whenever the horse trotted my sister grunted

because my grandfather’s cock (mom’s side) stuck inside her even

more. My sister whipped my grandfather because he kept smiling at

her. “Why do you whip me when I fuck you on horseback?” my

grandfather asked her. “Because you forgot to wear your dentures,”

my sister said. Then she whipped him again. My sister’s skin is really


3. I caught my brother and his girlfriend Jacklyn jacking each other

off in the back yard. My brother put his fingers inside his girlfriend

Jacklyn’s pussy. His girlfriend Jacklyn put her fingers around my

brother’s cock. They both kept their clothes on. Our three dogs

watched them do it. I think that Charlie—our spotted Labrador—is

gay, though.

4. My sister likes older men. She let my grandfather (dad’s side)

finger her asshole while grandfather fucked his mistress, a forty year

old woman from the Bronx. The forty year old woman from the Bronx

held my sister close because my sister and the forty year old woman

were about to orgasm at the same time. Although my grandfather is

old, he looks a lot like a girl.

5. My father pulled out his cock in front of my friend Melinda.

Melinda got down on her knees because she thought I had left the

room to go pee. I caught Melinda on her knees in front of my father

with her tongue out. My father held some money or something in his

right hand. Melinda had pulled down her pants just below her ass. I

like my father’s cock, I think. I like Melinda’s ass.

6. My sister sat next to my grandfather (dad’s side), the one who

looks like a girl. She stroked his cock a lot and watched his thirty year

old mistress, Margaret, shove my grandfather’s left foot into her,

Margaret’s, pussy. Margaret’s pussy is really hairy. My sister couldn’t

stop watching Margaret fuck her self with my grandfather’s left foot.

My grandfather shaves his legs, I think.

7. My mom caught my dad with his pants down, holding his cock,

and lifting my aunt’s (mom’s sister) right leg so he could put his cock

inside my aunt’s (mom’s sister) pussy. All my mom did was smile and

close the door behind her.

8. My mom pulled down her pants and showed my uncle (her

brother) her bare pussy. My uncle touched my mom’s breast like he

was petting a dog. My uncle stroked himself on my mom, who got

down real fast to put my uncle’s cock in her mouth. My mom kept

caressing my uncle’s cheek.

9. My gay uncle and my sister and her friend Sally were naked in

the bathroom together. My sister and her friend Sally were holding my

gay uncle up because he was drunk or on poppers or stereo head

cleaner or something. My sister stroked my gay uncle’s cock, who

laughed. “Don’t stop,” my gay uncle said, “I’m gay.” My gay uncle

laughs like a girl. My sister’s friend Sally let my gay uncle use her as

a chair. My gay uncle has a hairy butt.

10. My mom’s older sister, Mabel, let my fat uncle Ron (dad’s side),

put his cock inside her pussy on the couch in the living room. They

were both naked. My mom said, “Leave them alone, honey,” and

added the eggs to the brownie mix. But it was hard for me not to

watch my fat uncle bounce up and down on my mom’s older sister,

who I thought was a lesbian because her girlfriend Judy is napping in

my bed right now.

JANEY SMITH lives in San Francisco, California. Her stuff has appeared on PANK, HAHA Clever, BIG OTHER, Everyday Genius, and is forthcoming in PANK 5, Artifice Magazine 3 and Stymie Magazine.