Do not let your arm hang too far off the mattress or your elbow will ache in the morning.

Talk to yourself in your normal tone of voice, not in the fake Australian accent.

Leave time to enjoy your morning bowel movement. 

Do not rinse the thermos out immediately after pouring out hot liquid or it will make that “pong” sound.

Never waste time talking to people who want money for the police.

Do not read the newspaper horoscope.  If someone else starts to read yours out loud, leave the room.

When trying to determine what is on your finger, smell, rather than lick, it.

See if the girl will dance to Webern.

If a pill falls on the counter when you are getting out your medicine, be sure to take that pill.