_Haha_ is what the bear said.

Alec Berry

THE FIRST THING I SEE IS FLASHING LIGHTS. Then my eyes search the rearview for something better. Nope. There’s nothing good back there, just a bunch of noise.

Fuck.

Emily says, “Don’t panic.”

I can’t get the window down.

But I hear the officer outside ask: “DO YOU KNOW WHY I’VE PULLED YOU OVER?”

Oh boy. No, I don’t.

I turn my head. I look right at him.

I try to answer, but the red-and-blue glare is intimidating.

It takes a second.

Just a second.

Then I finally get it out. I say to the cop:

[“‘Haha”’ is what the bear said.”]

He looks at me like, what?

Can you repeat that?

So, I say again:

[“‘Haha”’ is what the bear said.”]

He still doesn’t get it, and I try not to blame him. I understand why he’s annoyed, wanting something better than that.

Because what I’m saying sounds like shit.

But that’s all I can give him.

I mean, where do I start?

I say to the cop: [ “I really don’t get it, either.” ]

[ “I have no idea, no clue. I just heard what I heard. I couldn’t tell ya what to make of any of it. But let me backup and explain. Because I swear it’s all true.” ]

— FLASHBACK —
Nine hours ago

We are on top of this mountain, and I’m sweating. All day in the heat, but I’m eating pieces of fruit, walking these paths cut through thick, old trees. It’s so quiet. We see, maybe, like, 5 other people out here hiking. We’re enjoying Kiwis, chomping on Watermelon, and having a good ol’ time. And every once in a while, walking along, I look back over my shoulder to see the view. I look all the way back down below. At all that green. And I feel exposed, out here up above it.

[ “Do you think we should head back? Is it that time?” ]

Emily asks.

I’m leaning against a rock.

I think about the walk back.

Shit. Tired …

Okay. Yeah.

[ “Yeah, let’s do it.” ]

For the first little while, the landscape is bare. It’s growing back in small patches after the recent forest fire. It’s got a long way to go, I think, but it’ll get there.

I mean, everything’s dry up here. But it feels like things are fine.

I feel like eagles could fly by SCREECHING. They could be up here at ease cutting across the sky. Fuck.

What a thing to see …

But we have a long way to go.

— FLASH-FORWARD —
One Hour

Over the next mile or so, rock turns to trees.

The forest sweeps you up.

Here, the hills hug and pull you in.

They reclaim you, drowning you.

They put you in your place.

[ “Man, I’m getting hungry.” ]

I say.

I want a cheeseburger.

A big-time double-melted slammed to the gills with onion, sauce, mushrooms, and cold lettuce.

[ “I love burgers.” ] I say to Emily.

Then, I see him. Just like that.

The black bear. He brushes past the green, right across the path. He rests right along our way home. Big bear. Not far away. Looking right at us.

Fucking wild.

[ “Don’t move.” ] Emily says.

[ “Put up your arms.” ]

I do it and try to seem tall, bigger than him, but no way. He’s got me on size all day.

He takes one step towards us.

[ “Oh shit.” ] Emily says.

We hold the line and continue our slow retreat backward. Step-by-step. Keeping eyes on the bear.

He comes a little closer.

But does so with caution.

No one knows what’s going to happen.

Until the bear says [ “Haha” ].

I swear it, I mean it. The bear opens its mouth and instead of a growl, instead of a gruff, I hear [ “Haha” ].

He does it again.

Is this shock? How is this real?

But really, there are no questions.

There’s no time for them.

We just keep stepping back, quiet, at a pace. Acting like we know what to do, like we got this, but if I’m honest, I can’t feel anything, not inside, not in the mind. That’s why I’m staying calm.

All of my attention is with the laughter. It’s out there with the air and the stones under these boots.

I notice now that I’m smiling. And I know that ain’t right.

[ “What do we do?” ] Emily asks.

The bear keeps coming, and we keep going, maintaining our separation, holding the pattern.

I guess we could continue this dance we’ve started. But something about the laughter tells me the bear expects more.

So, I stop.

I drop my arms.

And I think to myself, Nah, this isn’t surrender. This is how you turn things up.

So, I whisper to the bear.

I say to him real soft: [ “Medical records have never been better. Buy software.” ].

It’s the first phrase in my mind. I spit it out, and I can’t help but giggle.

[ “Are you fucking serious?” ] Emily asks. [ “That’s a fucking bear.” ]

But I say it again, louder: [ Medical records have never been better. Buy software.” ] And I laugh beyond the giggle down toward the gut, and it’s all silly from here on out.

The bear says [ “Haha” ].

He gets it.

He knows what we’re going through.

He’s right here with us.

He comes a little closer, stops.

We’re but a few feet apart, now.

Behind me, Emily pauses on her retreat and considers the risks. She still doesn’t panic, even when there are thousands of reasons to do so.

[ “What the fuck is he doing?” ] she thinks.

[ “I’m gonna fucking die and get eaten by a bear.” ]

[ “And he’s just talking at it, nonsense. I mean, of all the things he could have said, why did he say that?” ] she thinks.

[ “What the fuck is going on?” ]

[ “Am I going to die?” ]

[ “Oh fuck, I think I’m going to die!” ]

[ “But HE’S not fucking dead yet!” ]

[ “The bear’s just laughing at him.” ]

[ “WTF. AHHHHHHH!” ]

[ “I miss my dog! I miss Penny.” ]

[ “Take me home to Penny.” ]

Up ahead of her, along the trail, the bear sits across from him as he rambles on about something.

The bear wonders what this creature is doing, trying to say, or even is.

The bear just took a shit a few minutes ago, over there in the bushes, and this guy scared him. At his most vulnerable, this guy just strolls up.

Motherfucker.

[ “Yeah, fuck this guy.” ] the bear thinks.

[ “What’s he doing in my woods?” ]

[ “So what if I laugh?” ]

[ “I’m allowed.” ]

[ “Who’s gonna stop me?” ]

[ “I’m a fucking bear.” ]

[ “Wonder if he’s got any food?” ]

[ “Maybe a burger?” ]

[ “I love burgers.” ]

The bear opens his mouth and lets it go.

[ “ROOOAAARRR!!!!!” ]

Oh, fuck. We gotta go.

We gotta get out of here.

I raise my arms back up to pretend I’m tall.

Emily swings a heavy tree branch, ready to do what it takes.

[ “Don’t panic” ] she says to me. [“Just keep going.”]

We walk backward while the bear holds his ground, not another sound out of him. He stays still to watch our distance grow. Then, the bear turns and disappears into the green, all the brush shaking after him. We just stop, quiet, and note our surroundings, hoping for no sneak attack.

Time passes. What a time.

I look at Emily and see a smile.

[ “I think we did it,” ] she says, weightless. [ “I think we defeated the bear.” ]

Holy shit, we did.

Haha.

I laugh a quick, good one, and it feels real.

— THE PRESENT —
Now

[ “So, that’s what I meant, Officer.” ] I say to the cop.

[ “It was just a bear.” ]

[ “Sir, I don’t know anything about bears. Your taillight is out. Here’s a warning to replace it.” ] That’s all he says to me.

[ “Drive safe.” ]

The cop walks back down the side of his car, opens the driver-side door, and he pulls his red-and-blue lights away.

His police radio crackles.

[ “10-9, 10-9. What’s the situation with the traffic stop?” ]

The thought of explaining any of it is overwhelming.

Just a couple of nuts, he thinks. Some loons out here tall-tailin’.

He’ll get it later in the paperwork.

For right now, it takes everything in him to drive along and hold his coffee cup.