Two Thumbs

Sebastian Castillo

I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate something more. Pure cynicism and extravagance. Execrable. Difficult to describe how terrible it is, really. Invents a new aesthetic possibility, a category for which they hadn’t yet a name. A small cancer in the human story, basically. And it was worse than I expected: I thought it would be utter shit. But it was utter and complete shit. Genuinely one of the most vampiric things I’ve experienced. Sucked. The fabric of reality fell apart around me... But no amount of brain damage could have helped me enjoy this. It would be funny to kill yourself while watching this. And I hope when the director goes to Hell they don't let him play the Nintendo or look at his phone. In fact, it feels like it was written and edited on an iPhone on the car ride to and then away from the studio. But I enjoy watching the worst possible things as a way of making myself angry, it's basically the equivalent of a man at the end of his wits in a darkened room alone punching himself in the face asking the mirror a series of mocking and interrogating questions. Just make a normal movie, maybe? No, no... that’s impossible. It plain stunk! One of the worst things I've ever seen. I can't tell you how deeply I hated it. It made me want to drive a car into the Google offices. If I got me and my dumbest alcoholic friends in a room together for twelve hours we could have written something better. Just awful. Nothing funny to say about it. One of the worst scripts I've ever seen moneyed into light and back into money. You should submit yourself to this if you want to forget everything about your life, about the five or six things related to ordinary human experience. The director should have to pay back all the money he used to make it when he goes to Hell. But I forgot I had already seen this, yeah... Life is too filled with cinema... But nevertheless, it was one of the most incoherent and baffling things I've seen. And it fucking sucked. So fucking corny. It was as bad as you would expect a movie to be. And they keep making them. You could not possibly make a less charismatic movie. I yawned and then I yawned again. What's next, friggen bed time? Just one of the worst movies I've seen. No 9/11-like city destruction explosion scenes in this, nothing. Terrible ending, needless to say. Don't remember a single thought I had while viewing this. If the face of God Himself had appeared on the screen it wouldn't have convinced me to keep it watching it. My favorite scene, though, was when they had Family Guy on in the background. It made me feel, like, "Wow, that's Family Guy…" but in an emotional way. My friend, actually, said I fell asleep halfway through the movie. It doesn't matter because it was awful, and my friend said it was actually good I fell asleep. Sometimes you have nothing to say about the experiences you've had. And someone always needs to be crucified. A really dumb and annoying movie. Real trash. You should never have to watch this. But who cares about my opinion on this movie, or any of them.

NOTE: I composed this using sentences from my half-star and one-reviews I’ve written on Letterboxd in the last two years. Lightly edited for coherence and continuity, like how movies are made.