The Formula for Why I Am Like I Am, in a Few Section Breaks

Joshua Bohnsack

First, I lay out a moment of innocence that my audience realizes is a moment of naivety from my childhood that changed my trajectory, which I use to blame for the reasons why I am unhappy without blaming it.

Now, a hint about how my life has gone. Maybe I don’t have a job, or my wife left me. Maybe I have those things in my life, but they don’t appreciate me, or I them. But I don’t come on too strong. I make it kind of funny, so you think I’m not a totally miserable person. Hit that sweet spot of pity and empathy. It’s my childhood’s fault remember?

Back to my childhood, when I met that man who ruined things. It’s definitely a man, and even if it were not, I wouldn’t say it wasn’t a man, because it’s easier to hate a man who wrongs a child. I don’t blame my audience. I hate him too. And now you know why.

Skip a little bit of time, to where I’m growing up, and the thing the man has done has impacted my life. I probably wouldn’t have made the basketball team anyway, but how am I to know, now? I was good at school before the man, and his presence happened to coincide with long division. I want you to feel sorry for me, because it’s more rewarding than feeling sorry for myself, and I do plenty of that.

Sometimes the man isn’t a man. Sometimes it’s a bite from a rabid animal. Sometimes it’s the death of a relative. Sometimes it isn’t a man, but men, and it’s not me their wronging, but society, represented through my perspective. So, when I tell you I never stood a chance in this world, you believe me, at least for a little while.