Stream #17

14th June - 18th Jul 2019

- Stan

Tennessee Williams choked to death on the plastic cap of a nasal spray.

― David Markson

* * *

unfinished draft of love letter to Megan Boyle, date modified 6/10/2018, 3:55 AM


If we lived across the street from one another, I like to think you’d say yes. I suppose you’ll have to trust me. Would you like to meet up sometime this summer? We could take a walk or eat ice cream or

It’s probably strange to say, but I’m compelled to get to know you. I don’t know much about you—I’m late to the
Still discovering your early work and eagerly anticipating LIVEBLOG.

I thought I’d ask. Why not? I won’t be offended if you decline.

It’s probably in my head, but I feel a terrible magnetism that’s been tugging my brain stem for a week.

I suppose I say these things because I’m a lonely man and you’re a bright shining talented woman who is also beautiful. Maybe I’m full of shit, there’s always a chance. You’ll just have to trust me. I can be easily trusted, and just as easily ignored. I would understand if you

I try not to think about things too much, just go off of impulse, embrace the evermoving now. And my now is You, and my feelings are moving, and

I'm sure you don't even like ice cream, haha. We could get coffee, or tea if you'd like. I like to imagine sometimes us getting coffee (or tea) and splitting a sticky bun. I don't drink tea but if you did I might try it and maybe even get to really enjoy it. We could also learn how to bake our own sticky buns. Do you bake at all? I'm not sure if that's a weird thing to ask.

I got sad again today

It's weird, I actually read some of liveblog when it was live. I'm sure a lot of people tell you that. I really felt I got to know you though when I would read. Sometimes I would pretend I was Tao and drink iced coffee and steal from Whole Foods. Haha that's weird though right? Haha I shouldn't

Something I never really thought about before is what it would be like to be written about. That must be really weird, being cast as a character, real or otherwise, in someone else's story. You become this image of something, symbol, a plot device. I know you're not a feminist. So this isn't a very interesting point. But I'm objectifying you. Making you a symbol, an object, in this. But ultimately I plan on sending this to you. How real is real? Is it objectivizing if I'm being objective? You're real and so is this, even though all my thoughts about our future are unreal. If or when they become real though, and we meet, will that make all this real, too?

I spent some time trying to find out where you live now. You can find a lot of stuff online if you know where to look. People's real names, their early poems and stories. People aren't as careful as they think. They leave trails. And when they break someone's heart, that person can leave breadcrumbs. We all carry with us loafs, in anticipation of such. Haha this is crazy though

I'll have to tell you about this dream I had sometime. I wonder what you would think

I've never done any drugs before, which probably makes me sound like really really lame. I just never really got invited to cool parties, never been to New York. I've been talking to my friend Bryan about trying to get some drugs. I think having some real experiences to compare while reading about yours could help me sort out what goes on in your brain so I can understand you more and maybe when we meet I'd have some sense of what we could connect about or talk about or not talk about, but together. You'd like Bryan, I think, too.

It's refreshing to think that I could be in a relationship with someone who has also suffered from depression like me. It's probably nothing special for you but it would change things for me, I'm sure. Your blog was really cool. I miss blogs. I used to blog a lot, too, but I don't think anyone read it. That's probably pretty normal. That might be more normal than anything else. But you're pretty different, and

I think I got your phone number but I'm afraid to test it.

Ok it's not actually yours but hahaha how insane would that have been if I got it in one. I told Bryan all about you and he doesn't read books but said you sound pretty cool which is awesome

Do you remember when everyone was a kid but just getting into having a girlfriend or boyfriend and the losers would say they had one up in Canada or whatever?

I kind of fucked up and told my dad about you. We usually talk about everything since my mom died. Like, we're really open with each other. It was really hard when he started dating again and it was really hard when I started looking up ways to kill myself. But he was really compassionate. No matter what I said, he'd just be there to talk to. He treated everything like a normal conversation. I'd tell him about what I learned about hanging and how you end up dying that way and he'd ask me questions about it and tell me about his uncle who had hanged himself but didn't do it right so he died over the course of like five hours or something horrible like that. I was happy to have him not judge me at all and just treat me like a person. Anyway I mentioned you and he was really curious but I didn't really know how to talk about it because I mentioned that you and me talk but we don't actually talk (as you know haha) so I had to make some stuff up and so now I feel really weird. Like you're a part of me kind of driving this really thin wedge between us, but that's also part of why I think we could be a food match. I also really like how you describe your relationship with your dad. I think it's really cool how you wrote about him and your thoughts and stuff. But maybe when we do actually talk, it won't be a lie anymore and my dad and I can be normal again.

I keep fucking up little stuff and I keep telling myself it won't add up

I was thinking of liveblogging this letter to you and call it a performance piece or something but you'd probably think it's weird or derivative or something. And I don't want that haha I want to be special for you. It's weird to say it that way ha

Oh my God I can't believe Tao actually went to jail that one time. I thought that was all just made up. I bought Shoplifting at Urban Outfitters wheb I was like in highschool hahaha

I've never been to jail. But I'll stop bringing him up. It's pretty weird and you guys aren't like a thing anymore (I checked) but you already know that haha. Ok it's actually kind of confusing to write to you about what I learn about you because you already know it all because it's you. I need to stop

Bryan's been ignoring me? I'm unsure what the deal is with him. Maybe you wouldn't like him after all. I think we can exclude him, even if he finds us some cocaine to try

This guy has a point, maybe you don’t like ice cream. Maybe you’re more into gelato? I prefer gelato, I like fruity flavors. Do you like Fla-Vor-Ice Freezer Pops? My grandparents used to keep the fridge stocked with bundles of those year-round when I was a kid. We called them icicles.

I know—let’s get a bunch of icicles and crack a fire hydrant and watch all the rainbow water soak the neighborhood kids. Fill a kiddie pool with sand and wriggle our toes. Let’s fill two kiddie pools with sugar water and freeze them and make giant icicles and walk through the shopping district licking our big dick icicles while they’re dripping big sticky drops all over everybody. Our tongues will change color forever.

Which fruit flavor do you like best? I’m presently standing in my yard in swim trucks. The hose is all ready to go, I just need to know what flavor to make yours.

Holla holla! Between me and you, I want you to put it on me until I’m 6 feet underground. I cry to think of you livin’ it up with another man. I’m a playground legend like Kirkland, Pee Wee. You’re a down ass bitch. And I know you’re getting bored dealing with him. I recommend my loving, my thugging — thug loving. Girl, your stare, those eyes! Your lips, your smile! Your hips, those thighs! I can’t deny that I would like to make them clap back and forth, up and down, Over and Over ft. Tim McGraw. You’re wonderful.

I got a hundred guns, a hundred clips, my love. I would trade them all away for a single scoop of ice cream with you.

Megan, hit me over the head with a cow and take me to Antarctica on your boat. I want to wake up every morning alone and afraid until I see your handwriting on a VHS tape. I’ll pop in the tape and you’ll remind me that I begged you to hit me over the head with a cow and take me to Antarctica on your boat. I’ll put on my coat and go on deck, where I’ll see you licking a waffle cone 20 scoops high. You have a creamy moustache and you look friendly. I’ll take a seat and have some ice cream with you.

Woah this is pretty fucked up. I don't think that was cocaine. It feels like writing is a laser show and the cow's coming homme

have you evwr megan boyled a frog alive? you can do it slow like a lobster but it wilp still scream a lot! did yiy like how I said your name Biyle and it is a pun woth Boil? Do you own a bolo tie? DO YOU EVEE WONDER WHYYYYY hahahahais that an incubus song??

Sometimes I try to stay up for over 24 hours, like you used to do. I wake up real early (like 7am or something) to get a head start on myself. I'm there drinking coffee and thinking this is it. I am ready to stay up. I sit and eat breakfast and I watch you eat food using youtube and we're there eating food and staying up with each other. I'm eating and you're also eating but in like 2010. Wowieeeeee that food is almost 9 years old. Imaging all that food and the food in-between and now it's like 10am and I've been up for 3 hours already and I think only like 21 more or something until I get to a number that I could tweet about. I could tweet "been awake for 24 hours and reread liveblog out loud in the bath room. The echo in here makes it sound like someone is reading it back to me LOL".

Around 1pm I have a nap. I think this is cheating and so I'll give up for now. Maybe I can stay awake tomorrow. I'm not ready yet.

Maybe when we're out having ice cream I could make you laugh by telling you about the time I was sat in a cafe reading your book. A woman came up to me and asked me what I was reading and I said "Liveblog" and showed her the cover and as I showed her the cover I also moved it a little so that the shiny cover would change colours for the woman. She asked me what it was about and I said it was a transcript of a blog. She said why are you reading a blog of someone? Are they important? Did they do something special? I said it was a blog of someone's life. That it was a blog that had everything. All the things and that's why it was interesting and the woman then looked at me with this pinched up face and through the pinch the woman said "oh, so you're a voyeur?" I didn't know what to say other than "Yeah, I guess so. It used to be on the internet, I think it's ok to read it because Megan wants us to read it" But I dont actually know that, I just know that you wanted to write it and I suppose Gian thinks that people should read it.

I would tell this story and then I would wait for you to laugh and while waiting and watching your face and hoping that you'd laugh I'd feel a bit sweaty. Not to the point where I would want to change t-shirt but for sure my armpits would be a bit slippy and as I moved me hand back towards the ice cream for a new lick I'd feel my arm glide over my sweaty side and feel self conscious.

I don't watch voyeur porn but maybe I should try it. I might find something out about myself, which would still be because of you. I wonder how much you will end up teaching me about myself

I was looking it up online and trying to figure out if stealing your book from a bunch of places means the bookstores have to order more to replace it (epsecially if I then call later to ask for a copy) which means you would get paid a little bit more money by the bookstore itself and not by any one person, but I would be forcing that transaction. If I did it well I could make you hundreds or maybe thousands of dollars and we could save that for a trip or for something else fun. Just a thought. It's not steling if it's from Barns and Noble because they're a big corporation and they also generally steal from the workers too. I was laid off a long time ago from my warehouse job and so I stopped applying to warehouse jobs. I dont' trust any job that can be sent to the Philippines or done by robots, which is why it's so cool that you're an author, because robots can't do that yet haha

Oh man so I think that was actually your number. You sounded different than I expected, based on your interviews and everything. The phone made you sound different. More real? Haha it's going to be weird when you read this. You'll think back to that time someone called you and you said "...hello?" and I said "Oh! I think I've got the wrong number! Sorry about that!" You probably wonder why I sounded so sure it was the wrong number? You probably were like "who was he looking to talk to?" But it's funny because it's you, actually. But you didn't know that even though I did. I can't believe it was you. I might have to try again to make sure.

I heard back from Bryan, he got something, and we're going to watch some of your movies. I asked him if he had ever heard of mumblecore but he hadn't even though he went to college for film studies

Bryan said he's actually really into voyeur porn, incidentally. He sent me some of his favorite recent videos. Do you like porn at all? You seem like someone who totally could get into watching it. That could be one of our things haha

I lied to my dad again, about my plans for tonight. I've been keeping other things from him, too. I feel like you're pushing me, in this weird, unintentional way, to distance myself from my dad, which makes me nervous but excited in this strange way because it feels kind of dangerous and unfamiliar. After my mom died, I started living really introvertedly to avoid the unknown. I mean aside from Bryan and my Dad and a few people, I closed myself off and lived in books and video games and in my own head. The therapist I used to see said it was because I wanted to have better control over my life. I think LIVEBLOG is a lot like that, I can imagine you getting this sense of control out of doing it, so we have that in common. But my point is that I've felt too safe and guarded and disconnecting from my dad more and more feels like a challenge to that in a good way. I don't know what will happen but that's what I have to accept and you're helping me get there.

I really appreciate all the things you're doing for me even if you don't know it yet. I'm sure it will be strange for you to learn about all this but also it will make you feel good, like you've been able to be here for me even before you met me and maybe even wanted to be here for me. It's like charity, or throwing away something useless to you that changes someone else's life. If I did that, I'd want to meet the guy whose life I changed, however I did it, so I'm keeping a separate list of all this stuff to show you sometime. But some of the highlights include trying different foods (I used to be a very picky eater haha) and reading different books and learning a lot about stuff on the internet. I used to not enjoy learning things or doing research but now I feel like you've given me this project, even though you are the project, haha. I'd like to write a book report about you (well I guess about LIVEBLOG) but I don't know who'd I read it to except for you. Maybe we can do that in an art gallery or at a book reading in New York. That would be really cool

Also this voyeur porn is really strange. A lot of it isn't even sexual, like some of my favorites are just of women sleeping or them in their kitchen with a secret camera or something. Something about them not knowing I'm there but being so close to them is so strange. I have a few favorites now too but it's hard to find more like them. But I also like the sexual stuff, haha. It'd be kind of weird if I didn't though right? That's also something I like about you, I like how in touch with your sexuality and romantic desires you are.

I guess because of you I'm into these videos now, that's another thing. Sometimes I leave them on while I'm doing other things and knowing that they're there and living their lives too is comforting. it's really weird but I like it. You can even find these unsecured webcams online and watch people who don't know they're being watched but also you aren't even being recorded. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one watching and that will be this really private and special connection I have with them. But I don't know their names or even where they live or anything, while with you, I can't just watch you, but I can get every other detail, which is comforting in a different way

What's cool is that laptops all have cameras in them now and you don't even need separate webcams. Do you remember those? You can even find ways to get into someone's laptop camera. There's a lot of crazy stuff online

I got ice cream with my dad and I think he knows something is happening. I considered talking about the voyeur porn with him to give him something to just appease him. I kind of wish he'd get off my case about stuff. I wish he would be perceptive enough to understand that

I like to think you'd understand

I will tell you all of this and you'll understand. I feel pretty confident about that

I like to think I understand you, the more I read. I feel like sometimes I slip inside your skin and

I wonder if you still use a MacBook? Bryan and I finally did the cocaine and we didn't watch movies but it was fucking incredible. I feel like I could go back to high school but do cocaine and learn everything there is to learn about everything. I need to tell you more about my experience with cocaine though but I've been so busy with this other stuff but I feel pretty close

Hahahaha "feel pretty close" is pretty good because it's like a pun?

V. easy to stay up 24+ hours via cocaine as per good dosage and interesting endeavorrs

Found you haha shhhh

Not telling my dad anything anymore. Not a single thing. No ice cream. He doesn't get anything. He's old and lonely and he doesn't have anyone like you. He watches porn, it's very sad, he doesn't know I know. I am confident that I know more about him than he knows about me. He is very small in this life. He could not write anything like LIVEBLOG. His book would be fifteen pages. I screamed at him so loud I think I fucked uo my throat. I'm angry again thinking about him making me scream like that. I fucking

It's important that I tell you all of this so that you can understand me as much as I understand you. That will make things very good and easy moving forward and I hope that by putting this all down it will be less weird when we finally meet and talk and spend time together. I don't want to have to keep explaining myself when I know things you don't know I know. I'm trying to be practical

Bryan got more stuff and I'm using some of my money from my mom to get the fuck out of this house. I figure you'd prefer it if I have some experience living on my own. Dorms aren't really apartments and also my dad is just trying to dig too much. Bryan isn't trying to dig which I like. You'll like him

Tao's email is a fucing mess are you kidding me? How can anyone have so many unread emails

I could do anything and maybe I will do anything hahahahahaha. I could and can so I may and might !! I'll have to show you my copy of LIVEBLOG! I enjoy usinga pen, in the age of internet. Some passages though are now gone. You can't delete things online but you can in real life. I could show

Decided to pretend to be someone else, a fan, a random stranger. Not sure how this will go but hello, yes, I was Lori the whole time. I wonder whether you'll like Lori, if you'll be nice to her, encouraging of her. Woman to woman, writer to writer. Maybe Lori has a crush on Tao

Found some weird shit. Feels extra weird watching someone sleep when you haven't slept in over a day.

Videos of women driving. Someone must have put the camera in there. Women on road trips. Women looking bored or anxious for hours. None of them ever masturbate. I bet men alone on road trips masturbate very frequently. I wonder which you would do. I wonder if you'd let me watch while you drive and masturbate. When I drive up to finally meet you I'm sure I will a lot. It's a long drive. I'm making a playlist based on what you like and some of it is hard to enjoy but I will learn to love it like I love you which is also hard sometimes to be honest but

how do you think you will die? Even though i feel better in general for me i know it will be suicide

found some pics. posed and flattering. Not sure how i feel to be honest. I would never ask you for something like these.

(Bryan agrees)

Megan, have you seen Bicentennial Man? Where a robot slowly becomes Robin Williams and falls in love with a human woman? Because I’m Robo Williams and my love for you is 200 years and counting. My love for you will outlive humankind and rust in the ruins of the apocalypse until the sun cooks our planet like a fat ass steak.

You’re so space age, so JFK. You blew my mind like I knew you would. You are the object of my every thought. You are the engine of my iron heart.

Kiss me in a cathedral on the eve of your wedding. Leave him at the altar. I’ll pick you up in an ice cream truck and take you to the top of the tallest sugarloaf. Let’s take a nap. Let’s not wake up.

In my dreams, we live in a refrigerator box and we’re made of crayon. We wear swimsuits and our tongues are green.

I like you without make up

I like how the gums at the top of your smile gleam

I want you to like me, but that's not something you can ask of someone

Haven't spoken to my dad in a few days now. I wonder when that will change. I love people who tweet out incriminating stuff about themselves. I should post all this online

I like it when you write about butt cheeks

I could tell you things you should probably know but no one else will ever tell you. If you don't want to know then I won't. It's like Pandora's Box, once you get access. I can't think of a lot of your friends (are they still your friends) the same way. It's really depressing, especially when it's so easy to only think good things of you. Even the bad things you make me do are good

Do you remember flirting with people in high school on AIM? I miss that. I want to allude to the fact that I'd eat you out for hours. I want to allude to tasting you, teasing you into coming, so that you'll want to meet me in person and want me and want me to do those things

I’ve tried to imagine what it’s like to comfort you when you cry. I’ve tried to imagine what it’s like to make you cry. But I really can’t imagine having so much power over you. I’ve tried to picture your pussy and your asshole. I think I know you sometimes. I think you would break my heart. I think you would be polite about it. Maybe a little pert

i get so anxious some nights. i feel it behind my eyes. makes me feel like if i cried, it would release the tension. but i can't cry and it wouldn't work anyway. wish you were here for me. i wish i could explain and feel your sympathy wash over me. i want to hold you and cry. i can't sleep. i don't want to sleep. my head hurts. i want our heads to hurt together.

You replied to Lori. You're kind, but guarded. Open up for me

Knock knock, Megan. Guess whooooooooo!!

your shirt smells nice

that's weird, right?

i don't think you'd actually care

I'm starting to get bored with this little shit. And I feel pretty alive. You followed me back on Twitter. That's a good sign. That's who I really am. Enough with this Lori shit. Did you like her little note? I like the idea of doing something to fuck you up on some level and then eventually being there for you when you depend on me to help explore the pain and suffering you've seen in the world. I'll pat you on the back, hug you tight, your breasts against me, your sobs wet and deep, wet and deep, and I'll tell you hush hush, she sounds like a crazy person, you can't feel guilty about every depressed loser who reaches out to you and then makes you sit through their death throes. And we'll continue to embrace and we'll eventually get into bed and you'll sleep and I'll be there

other people won't be there. It will be just me and you. None of these other fucking idiots

Getting sick of your shit tbh

pretty rude, blocking me

fuck you

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray
Put your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad
It's not so bad

fell asleepp in the van

hinked at you haha ha

dont be a fucking cop meg

i keep saving copies of this file as different names and sort them by time last updated to find where i left off and yet i doubt ill ever read theough or send this to anyone. too much bad stuff on this laptop. cant risk crossing any borders. god that sounds so lame and tryhard. your making me sound like a dumbass. i fucking hate that about you. i feel like your pushing mw in the back toward bullshit STOP PUSHING

love honking at you hahahahahahahahagaga HONK HONK and every time you jump. only good part a out this piece of shit town is making you jump like a dumbass

I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway. Hey Meg, I drank a fifth of vodka. You dare me to drive? You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night," about that guy who could've saved that other guy from drowning, but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him? That's kind of how this is, you could've rescued me from drowning. Now it's too late, I'm on a thousand downers now, I'm drowsy and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall I love you Meg, we could have been together, think about it you ruined it now I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it and when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me

haha get it?

bryan called said dad died. might be money

we could have split this shit but no you been so stuck up about it all, better then me acting shit. Might send this all to you with a picture of my stacks and shit just to prove a point and that point is fuck you

fdytrffff ggjjiiiiutvhhfd fddfd djgfdhfdg